Food and Drink Ornaments
Anyone seeking to scandalize their grandmother's sensibilities this holiday season need look no further than the 2024 lineup of decidedly unconventional glass ornaments. Picture, if you will, the face of Great-Aunt Mildred when she spots a glistening strip of bacon dangling precariously next to the angel Gabriel. The perfect companion piece to her own hand-me-down Dresden ornaments from 1952.
The collection reads like a hungover person's Sunday morning fever dream: miniature hamburgers sparkle with tiny glass sesame seeds, while delicate French fries - each ridged with impossible detail - cascade from transparent takeout containers. A dill pickle ornament gleams with such verdant intensity that one might mistake it for a tiny glass submarine containing an equally tiny glass spy.
Perhaps most delightful is the six-pack of beer ornaments, complete with a carrier that tinkles melodiously against the branches. Watching children attempt to explain these to visiting relatives provides hours of entertainment. "But why is there beer on the tree, Mommy?" becomes the chorus of the season, followed closely by "Is that really a Tabasco sauce bottle next to Baby Jesus?"
The cupcakes, at least, make a certain kind of sense - they're festive, celebratory, sweet. But paired with their savory companions, they tell the story of a Christmas tree that apparently stopped at a drive-through on its way to the living room.
The overall effect transforms any respectable evergreen into what appears to be a three-dimensional menu board gone terribly wrong, or perhaps terribly right. Future archaeologists will surely puzzle over this particular cultural moment, when families decided that what their holiday traditions really needed was a perfectly replicated glass hamburger watching over their Christmas morning festivities like some kind of fast-food guardian angel.
The collection reads like a hungover person's Sunday morning fever dream: miniature hamburgers sparkle with tiny glass sesame seeds, while delicate French fries - each ridged with impossible detail - cascade from transparent takeout containers. A dill pickle ornament gleams with such verdant intensity that one might mistake it for a tiny glass submarine containing an equally tiny glass spy.
Perhaps most delightful is the six-pack of beer ornaments, complete with a carrier that tinkles melodiously against the branches. Watching children attempt to explain these to visiting relatives provides hours of entertainment. "But why is there beer on the tree, Mommy?" becomes the chorus of the season, followed closely by "Is that really a Tabasco sauce bottle next to Baby Jesus?"
The cupcakes, at least, make a certain kind of sense - they're festive, celebratory, sweet. But paired with their savory companions, they tell the story of a Christmas tree that apparently stopped at a drive-through on its way to the living room.
The overall effect transforms any respectable evergreen into what appears to be a three-dimensional menu board gone terribly wrong, or perhaps terribly right. Future archaeologists will surely puzzle over this particular cultural moment, when families decided that what their holiday traditions really needed was a perfectly replicated glass hamburger watching over their Christmas morning festivities like some kind of fast-food guardian angel.
Bye bye old Christmas balls
Welcome to 2024's collection of glass ornaments that would make Grandmother clutch her pearls before reaching for the sherry. These aren't the kinds of decorations that inspire quiet contemplation of silent nights. No, these are the ornaments that crash the party wearing leopard print and bring questionable jello shots.
